My Fault
by Tonkswyrda
Summary: Tonks finds out that Sirius is dead, and believes it's all her fault.


St Mungos Hospital for Magical Maladies was, from Tonks recollection, the most sterile place in London. The crisp white sheets, the white wash walls, the sterling silver chairs, beds, trays, the wooden desks and the Healers in their fresh green robes all radiated cleanliness and tidiness, something that was not Tonks' forte. Even more embarrassing then the pile of possessions on the end of her bed was the fact that all the healers in the ward knew her by sight. Her whole face had gone red when Kingsley had visited her the day after she woke up, and a healer told him "We've had her in and out of here since she was three. You'd think she'd have learned not to trip down stairs by now, but apparently not!"

At least Kingsley had been amused.

But she had been in here for a week now, and she was dying to get out. No one here knew what had happened. Well, not properly anyway. She had only been out of it for three days, she really didn't see why they were still keeping her in. Kingsley had only visited her once, and apart from that she hadn't seen anyone. Moody was still waiting while they repaired his spinning eye, but everyone else was, to the best of her knowledge, fine. She knew the kids had been taken to the Hospital wing at school, but she was pretty sure only Ron was still in there. Kingsley had told her he had been playing with brains, which in her opinion, wasn't something someone who had their own would do. She kept expecting to see Remus, maybe even Sirius (they had to know he was innocent by now, surely?) walking through the double doors at the end of the ward, but instead she was stuck with Moody, growling about those "Clouts at the ministry" all day. Sure, he was a great guy, she loved him, but the conversation had lost any interest after the first half hour.

She was finally discharged the following Monday; free at last! She couldn't wait to see Sirius again, and check how the kids were going. Especially Harry. You had to feel bad for the kid after another run in with Voldemort.

Remus had met her outside, smiling, giving her a quick hug before heading towards the alley that was the hospitals apparation point. She knew immediately that something was wrong. His smile was so forced, and his hug- it was like he didn't want to touch her.

"Remus, is everything okay?"

"Of course, everything is fine. Why wouldn't it be?" he took her hand, and pulled her along as he twisted on the spot.

They appeared several seconds later at the burrow.

"Why aren't we going to Grimauld Place?" She asked him curiously. He just shrugged, not meeting her eyes.

Her stomach dropped. Something was definitely not right. "Remus…" she called him, but he was already at the door, and Molly was ushering him in.

As soon as she stepped in the Kitchen, it was apparent what had happened. Everyone from the order was there, in the middle of a meeting, no doubt- everyone except Sirius.

"Where's Sirius?" her eyes followed Remus as he stood in the back of the room avoiding her gaze.

"Has no one told you he's dead?" Snape said casually, hiding a small smirk.

She shook her head. Her throat was clogged up, her eyes were burning, and she could feel the lump in her throat that meant she was about to cry… "Excuse me." She muttered, running out of the room.

Slamming the door shut behind her, she fell backwards against the wall in the narrow hallway, sliding down to sit on the stairs.

_No. No. Sirius can't actually be dead…_

She heard the door open and close, while she stared with watery eyes at the pattern in the wooden floor. Remus' brown shoes came into view.

"Sorry. I… I should have told you." He sat awkwardly beside her. She whipped her eyes, resting her head on his shoulder. If she felt bad, imagine how he must be feeling…

"How?" She whispered.

"Bellatrix hit him and he went through the veil."

"Bellatrix?" her voice was slightly higher than usual. She had been duelling Bellatrix. If she had been able to kill her, or stun her at least, Sirius wouldn't be dead… he was dead because of her. It was her fault. No wonder Remus hadn't been looking at her. She had gotten his best friend killed. Some girlfriend she was.

"I… I'm so sorry." Was all she could manage.

At least Remus wasn't blaming himself this time. But how could he? This was her fault.

All her fault. Sirius was dead, and it was her fault.

Not for the first time, she hated herself.

She ruined everything.


End file.
